I spend a lot of time alone. Yes, my wife and daughter are around. As I near 50, I have lived in San Diego for nearly 10 years. I would not say I have made a great friend in that time.

COVID editing 2 years out of the time line didn’t help. Those years would have been key friend making years – birth parties, sports, school events.

I am not saying I would have made friends, but maybe.

All this is to say, I don’t make friends easily, and frankly don’t mind it that much.

I do have some friends, and I appreciate them TREMENDOUSLY. But I do not reach out. I don’t call. I don’t really let them know how much time they spend in my minds eye.

Two things happened in the last month that making me question my set ways.

1. A dear friend from college visited with her daughters
2. A dear friend from high school called just for a chat.

Those two things just made me realize HOW GREAT the friends I have are. All smart, all clever, all full of insight and life affirming force.

It reminded me, that if they are my friend, then maybe I am not so bad? That folks that cool or positive could be MY friend is incredible.

In some sense, I want to ask them: why are you friends with me? (In case you haven’t noticed, I shit on myself more than the complete works of Woody Allen shit on Woody Allen.)

It got me thinking and why I wrote this post – why don’t I call or reach out in a more direct and active way:

• I live in my own head.
• I don’t want to bother you.
• I don’t think you want to hear what I have to say
• I don’t want to disturb what you are doing in your life
• Why would you want to hear from me?
• Who am I to bother people?
• Why would I think I am so important that you would take time to talk to me?
• If I make a plan, what if you don’t want to go? I’d be crushed.

I know this isn’t reality. I know this isn’t TRUE. But it is why I don’t call friends or reach out. Do other people feel this way?

It feels like calling someone or asking time from someone requires a level of ego that I just don’t have? Ultimately it boils down to: I don’t like me (that much), why would you want to hear from me?

Anyway, give me call? We can talk about me! HA.