In Episode #131 of the Squeaky Bum Time Podcast, Mike and Laurent set a new personal record for dick jokes in an hour-long show! And okay fine, we mix in some football discussion in between:
- Thomas Tuchel drops Romelu Lukaku for Chelsea’s big clash with Liverpool, and find their way back from two goals down to earn a draw
- Arsenal are “unlucky” to be beaten late by Manchester City, despite only having 28% possession. Narratives can be deceiving, friends!
- Manchester United get played off the park at Old Trafford by Wolves in a shocking 1-0 loss
- Tottenham Hotspur survive Watford with Sanchez world tour revival
- West Ham get off the schneid 2-3 (on the schneid?) in a thriller vs Palace (without Gallagher – sad.)
- Everton’s despite DCL, Allan and Doucoure returning get got as Brighton take all 3 points at Goodison Park
- Brentford continue their dominance from the Championship over Aston Villa with Gerrard facing his first bumpy patch
Follow us on Twitter (@SqueakyBum_Pod), Instagram (@SqueakyBumTimePod) and Facebook (Squeaky Bum Time Podcast) to stay up to date!
Part of the Chop Sports Media Network!
Transcript
hello and welcome to the squeaky bum
time podcast mike is back uh it is
tuesday january 4th in this episode
lukaku gets in his feelings city win the
league twice in a weekend but first mike
you were in love with tops uh how do you
feel about going back to tops uh are you
do you think you never wanted to be
where you are now or are you okay with
where you are now you just took the
money and went where you want it to go
like oh how do you how do you handle
that are you gonna just have a press
conference and tell everyone how you're
feeling about your old job
no i'm i i want everyone uh at the
executive level to be fired hard and
feathered and that's kind of how i
always feel about that company but um
you know you feel the same way
i was trying to go for a more like your
lukaku and you want to go back
oh oh oh
should we start the show over because i
had no [ __ ] no it's fine just keep
going just keep going my bit didn't work
because it wasn't oh i think uh you know
what's weird friends we talk about what
we're gonna talk about before we hit
record and then like we're like what the
[ __ ] you anyway um no
i'm
i'm so interested because i'm looking at
his stat line right now thanks for the
great segue and um
i just don't get it like
he
was better
on teams that had literally nothing but
him and anytime he was around a lot of
talent at chelsea at united now again at
chelsea
he's [ __ ]
he's by the way he's not we talked about
it what last week when he had that
thundering run uh and put everybody like
laid waste to people like he was a super
villain
um
yeah but i just i he i don't know he
catches too much [ __ ] like there's too
much expected of him
uh in this respect like
tukel doesn't want to play with a
striker then why did you buy a 100
million dollar striker
so let's let's get into it let me do the
scores then we'll go deep into lukaku
the less talked about my attempted bit
the better
and we'll go into it so first the score
score scores
we start the weekend with
city defeating arsenal 1-2 uh narrative
of this game is
arsenal were the greatest team ever that
never beat united and that never beat
city and city one two one and all the
penalties were against arsenal this was
a crowning of arsenal even though they
lost uh
tottenham beat watford i watch this game
this game was terrible but davidson
sanchez who
along with maura is the number one
revivalist and dyer for tottenham
tottenham have been great uh 3-2 palace
versus west ham this was palace playing
great west ham stealing it then really
stealing it then west then crystal
palace coming back then beloved
brentford grab a smash and grab against
aston villa this is gerard's first
moment where you feel like hey maybe you
should have won that game but you didn't
uh xg says brentford had 0.6 and villa
have 1.2 so villa dominated that game
but didn't win in a battle of the
relegation battles i kind of knew this
would happen leeds defeats burnley 3-1
leeds are good against terrible sit-in
teams that's their whole mo and then my
beloved brighton
crush everton they were fantastic uh xg
says they didn't crush them they [ __ ]
crushed them so bright and go into
freaking goodison and get the win but
but but the game of the day and
segwaying into our wait wait i'll do
wolves one
manchester united nil uh
united are not better they're not they
need to we need to dive into that later
in this time yeah but the game of the
weekend is 2-2 liverpool
we've got lukaku we've got the best half
of the season we've got up and down and
fighting and pulasic and liverpool back
to their swashbuckling pre-van dyke
pre-allison days but that's not gonna
get it done and city win the weekend
with the 2-2 draw
at stamford bridge
and we go into lukaku and we go
into
2-2
liverpool chelsea a good game to be fair
which looked i mean how many times have
you seen
salah and money just put the screws to
teams like like i actually think it was
one of our first episodes uh with the
keppa game with against money last year
yeah like
this looked like it could have been five
nil and and and
it
you know for all rights it could have
been even worse than that but
full marks to chelsea for fighting back
i i
i disagree i mean i thought that
i thought that liverpool got goals yes
uh one was a mistake mane salas was
incredible
but i thought that chelsea were
pretty good and really playing well she
went down two nil and then they got
the kovachic goal which let's completely
turn the team around right and let's be
very clear about this that goal
like
that's a million to one goal it's a it's
not it's not a good like i don't
i don't want to [ __ ] on kovich he scored
a worldie right yeah he didn't he meant
to do that
you know like like look at how the ball
strikes
the foot strikes the ball there yeah
like
it's so awkward that it worked out right
and it's kind of tailing far and away
from the goal which would make sense
based on the the die angle the angle you
hit it but like
yeah very very strange but to your point
when the up till nil
that's been the ammo many times like
liverpool has looked suspect but they
just keep going and going and letting on
and and all that so
um mendy stood tall for when he what he
could kept them in it gave them a shot
um they get a bounce
and all of a sudden i mean
porus
porous midfield from liverpool i mean oh
god they weren't awful in the midfield
who had the pass to postage was it
kovich
i don't you know what i can actually
look that up the pass
to
pulisic
because it was i bet you
it was kante from rudiger to kante yes
it was a little flip over the top kante
was incredible both he and kovachich
were just
magnificent but it looked like
they were doing so good i think that was
where um
konate was yeah that was konate's spot
and and you know they talked about how
matip wasn't there in the open like you
felt him on that goal because
it's not even just like pulisic ran past
him it's that he had 30 yards to be like
oh uh i'm [ __ ] really open right now
yeah yeah um and great finish by pulisic
as well uh and and he had missed a
couple
that that the chelsea faithful were not
pleased with him oh yeah uh now the one
thing that's interesting about this game
is it was the first safe standing game
officially in the premier league in
25 years it got the okay from the great
and powerful sainted liverpool uh
supporters trust who you know have the
they wear the weight of the 96
98 who were killed at hillsboro so they
said it was okay and people had been
standing anyway but the anecdotes from
the reporters at the game was that
it changed the energy of the game that
it was loud that it was an intense
atmosphere and the way that the both
teams played in the first half was an
intense
i don't even know the season an 18 is i
guess a 1718 version of liverpool right
because it was a frenetic back and forth
experience yeah let's be very clear this
is
a
heavyweight battle between two of the
best teams in the world mm-hmm the fans
are going to bring it for that game
everybody but it had extra it had extra
although there was no allison and i
don't know how to pronounce his name but
kelleher tell her yeah
um i have an anecdotal he looks like a
transitioned woman
or man
i don't know how you say it but he's got
this soft face this uh clearly
testosterone
uh injection beard and his hair is so
soft and he looks like a woman who's a
man who became a man and a goalkeeper
speaking very strange experiments very
strange also
no clop for liverpool which oh no clop
no clumps certainly but it was still
played in a cloppy in manner i didn't
feel like it's not like they're gonna
change their
it's it's the
it's hard to quantify how much a manager
or a coach missing in these times
actually
manifest itself into
results or parts of results or play or
whatever
uh i'm certain it's not zero um but it's
hard to really quantify beyond on fb
reference they have the manager listed
as dummy
which is pretty funny but i do have to
go back to one thing which i totally
forgot
in the first 20 seconds of the game you
had a controversy
monet near does smash his arm into
aspalaquetta's face he gets a yellow
there's no var check or there there is a
var
i just want to know why they didn't
pin him down in the post-match
conference press conference and go hey
explain yourself why wasn't that a red
card because they do that to harry kane
every [ __ ] time something like that
happens um well they don't they don't
interview money because he doesn't speak
english i don't think yeah well um i
think harry kane barely speaks english i
think a lot of i think the english
players get a lot of or players who
speak english well have to actually do a
lot of talking that they probably don't
want to do uh i'm glad it wasn't a red
who the [ __ ] wants a red in the first
minute of the game it was a forearm i
don't i don't
i don't
so
i don't want to talk about all this
stuff as this thing but just as a
general thing
i don't believe that the founders and
the controllers and the creators of
these games
intended
the rules to be applied
by the letter of the law
i think it was intended to be applied
by the referee in the discretion of a
game to ensure that this gentlemanly
contest was played in a fair manner
and as the history of these leagues has
gone on and become more professional and
more professional are you ready for the
stat of the day that's going to blow
your mind
the first cards only came out in 1970 at
the world cup there were no cards before
that yeah
so this idea that oh this is a red it's
always been a red this is oh it not true
football was played with referees simply
refereeing without any conversation with
the stans of the fans and were there
famous games where there were fights on
the field
yeah there were
but the idea that but this
professionalism of football
trying to connect with flow
and 24-hour coverage and slow down and
slo-mo it doesn't work nobody wants reds
in the first five minutes of the game
nobody wanted the [ __ ] harry kane
ball to be a red i would have much
rather watch that champions league final
that you had without that penalty and a
red first game like 37 seconds by the
way because that is not
what we want we want
we want
accuracy that is a representation of the
game we want to see not a
these are the rules and this is what
the infractions are because otherwise
why bother because right because
liverpool spurs was a really fun game
yeah kelsey liverpool was in i'd argue
for at least half of it an even more fun
game yeah um and what we got out of that
as
listen
we both there are you don't like
liverpool i don't like chelsea whatever
but as neutrals relatively speaking it
was on you couldn't take your eyes off
it yeah it was fantastic that is why you
watch these things right it is for
entertainment
yeah
it is entertainment and it is it's more
and less it's the least important
important thing in the world of course
and we brought it up so now i have to
but like
you talk to any self-respecting
tottenham supporter and they won't be
mad
that we lost to liverpool in the
champions league final we'll be
we're upset that we we never got a fair
shot
and
that's the thing that like
we
we expected to lose that game we had
hope i mean we had a miracle of miracles
going into this [ __ ] thing we could
do anything but it was taken away from
us before we even got a chance to sip a
beer and enjoy it right so i mean it's
not the same but it's the same it's not
the same but it's the sort of the same
feeling that city fans have was just
like why'd you not play fred indeed
why'd you play fernandinho and then well
yeah yeah
like what you know i mean
but give me the give me the opportunity
to see the team that i expect right like
right yeah chance don't don't cut my
legs out before the game starts it was a
great game uh very fantastic worth
watching the first half for anyway
chelsea really popped the ball around
mistakes were made chalabaw i don't know
what he was doing he did something weird
the salah goal is so like
it's interesting it's almost like
there's this new trend of
knee high
um
balls that are coming at a player and i
saw robertson finish
a goal before he get the gordy hall
hat-trick against tottenham um
he he finished it with his head and it
was like dude you can use your feet what
the [ __ ] are you doing because i because
mike did you know i played soccer for
one month i did
it's really hard to know what to do oh i
mean i get the feeling and i i'm i'm
look at me you decide to use your head
and all of a sudden you're halfway on
the ground right look at me with my fat
ass you know criticizing world class
football players but at the same time
like
i guess he probably thought if i i can't
play it back with my foot to my keeper
so i'm gonna try and like head it
towards him so he can we can kind of
take the the pin out of this yeah yeah
maybe i guess yeah but like
look i mean it was it was a it's a great
it was a [ __ ] decision and and it ended
up in the back of his in i thought he
played really pretty well for the most
part of the game after that which i was
happy to see again oh
challabah yeah i i frankly dislike both
teams i wanted them to draw but at the
same time like i don't want to [ __ ]
see that kid you know get buried like
that at home so i was happy to see him
have at least a decent run of it out
there yeah i thought alonso was
typical really really he was aggressive
he was just part of the whole game
everywhere just drunk driving everywhere
in the future yeah looking handsome no
sweat on him at all
and he's just perfect
um basically he's he's pers he's perseus
from clash of the titans the:version of harry hamlin he's very harry
hamlin
jota
he was anonymous
i thought he was all right early on he
had a couple of really good passes to
salah but like with it's almost as if
like you can't have all three singing at
the same time no well i think in that
game they were getting killed in the
midfield that was a game they needed
firmino
so bad like they did deathly needed from
you know because milner and henderson
were just getting like oh miller got
absolutely
decimated that couldn't get near anybody
no no and i think that's one of the
weird things it's a great game it was a
kante game it was a kovach game petered
out in the second half it felt like it
petered out more than it did because
there was a lot going on in the second
half but they clearly the energy was
gone and then i think there was a little
bit of a realization at the end of the
game that they're both [ __ ] because
city uh as we transition into the the
arsenal game that was ridiculous
narrative game as well as we
transitioned into that game they both
knew that they had to win to stay in it
um we probably shouldn't transition away
from lukaku yet lukaku should have been
in this game for those we don't know we
kind of touched on it really quickly
essentially lukaku
got in trouble because of a
interview he did with sky italy where he
basically does like the italian i love
you baby i want to come home he want to
go back to inter he wanted to go back i
love you in term i want to go back why
am i at the chelsea i wanna go back in
the inter so that's basically what he
does uh in in his broken um
congolese uh belgian italian he
basically professes his love for inter
he wants to go back he somewhat
complains about tuko but not not too bad
just it wasn't good i wanted to pl i
want to play a certain way
and tucle
really puts the hammer down and it's
just like you know what [ __ ] you you're
not playing they needed him
and
that was a mistake
yes i mean
if you're bringing on calum hudson odoi
you need to bring on romelu lukaku right
because like we said before they have
six guys that are the same yeah and that
was the thing is that like you finally
have that striker um but it's almost as
if he is so much happier having heaverts
in the false nine dude haveritz was
awful yeah
and but he's he is streaky as [ __ ]
yes he just shows up and gets his goal
and you're like oh howard's did
something i thought pluseek was good i
thought you know i thought
i thought uh mount is always he's always
he's he's chelsea's best player to be
honest pulisic was was active and did
that same thing where he just holds the
ball for a fraction too long and gets
clattered and you're like oh that's why
you get hurt all the time you're like a
f a [ __ ] version of neymar yeah who just
gets crunched you're like dude just let
it go
so he and pulisic had a couple of good
chances and that did get his goal but i
i didn't think havertz did much they're
all the sort of same player these sort
of buzzy guys that needs a focal point
and without without lukaku chelsea just
don't have that couple minutes i talked
about how pool of sich was wide open
down the middle and and walked to that
really nice finish right before half
time oh and then kelleher had that one
save early yeah he took that extra touch
when that trans guy
did the save that i that i talked about
but if you if you have pulisic in that
role right and going back to what we
talked about at the top with like lukaku
having that menacing beast run listen
you want to punish him don't start him
right
you keep him entire
because
you see konate you see the whites of his
eyes he's [ __ ] worried out there he's
they're all exhausted can you imagine
bringing lukaku on it that's what i'm
saying they're [ __ ] dead
when did they bring on hudson odoi i
can't i don't remember exactly i have it
here
um adoi comes on
on 79.
wow if you bring in
if you bring in
lukaku for the last 10 15 minutes of
that game where's the goal he maybe he
does maybe he doesn't but he certainly
puts van dyke and kanate under a [ __ ]
ton of duress by the way um
i don't know vince
starting him i actually agree with that
you need all your guys
you need all your dicks swinging in the
same direction all right
i get that but you you [ __ ] slap him
on the wrist you pull him into the back
room you go don't you [ __ ] do that to
me again i have to have a show of
strength we're good here now right
yeah you sit his ass down he becomes a
storyline for the first half and you
bring him on yeah i don't get it yeah he
cut off his nose to spite his face
basically and now they're all drew and
you know listen
and this goes into
do we want to i think we go into city
arsenal yeah arsenal narrative here is
arsenal were fantastic for 40 minutes
shame what a shame uh but you know what
i watched it back and
city were really good it's just
city
city getting dominated is a 50 50 game
because 70 city performances are always
70 30. so yes arsenal played well
i did not like
the calls that we got i didn't want to
win that game that way but granit xhaka
is a [ __ ] and he pulled someone's shirt
and
bernardo knows what to do if you pull
your shirt and the other one is the
odoguard
odergaard foul from edison
he stepped on edison it was super close
the ref made the call it's not a turn a
call you overturn it just isn't right so
so what what do you everything like
there's a lot of narrative about the
referees being terrible terrible
terrible terrible the fact is under the
cold light of day 48 hours later all the
calls were right
so yeah
i don't know
what to say but apparently and i didn't
see this
the commentators in england for that
game were
um
steve mcmanaman who's a liverpool legend
and um
and uh martin keown who is this like
arsenal lifer and they're just like
annihilating city just like they're
destroying football in the commentary
like this is a disgrace they're like
this is the kind of [ __ ] that city fans
have to go like i'm not a conspiracy
theory person i get it the fact is
cities narrative is not compelling we're
not a top four fan base in the world
we're not a toxic
relatively speaking dog [ __ ] compared to
city over the last decade and that it
doesn't matter is this there's just not
enough historical value there no no and
we're not a legacy club i get it but you
know what in 40 in 30 years when we have
all the glory and you haven't won and
you're holding on to:good luck enjoy it have fun that's all
we're we're going to win five leagues in
seven years
i'm trying to find who was there seven i
think it's seven and eleven what oh it
was palace
okay
so okay
so we're gonna talk about
the two losses that manchester city has
and then we're gonna compare it
statistically to what that valiant
arsenal performance was um october 30th
crystal palace two an early goal from
zaha and a late one from gallagher this
is the game where lepore gets sent off i
think right before or right after half
time um after and it and it all kind of
just unravels from there they get a late
one whatever even with 10 man manchester
city
uh
68
possession
palace 32
three shots on target again playing a
full half of football with an extra man
three shots on target okay they win two
no
all right that's nice
august 15th el duchico part one for the
year uh opening day no harry kane right
for spurs against city
we talked about how this the stadium
came alive and how great it was and all
that stuff so north london versus
manchester city part one um
shots on target three
possession 34
spurs win one nil spurs were gritty they
were great at but they were they were
lucky to get the win right when we
talked about it
that you know loris made some amazing
saves early kept them in the game they
get their goal and they locked it down
they did what they needed to do rip nuno
um
oh the good old days all the good old
days
january 1st
arsenal one manchester city two okay
arsenal two shots on target seven total
28
possession
i mean
okay
they go yeah but what about the first
the first half you know they were
hitting us it was a break thing it was
uh it was saka and martinelli listen i
watched the game city were in trouble
they were on the ropes by the way xg
city do not have a loss in xg oh i
believe that yeah they their their loss
to palace was a draw was 1.1 each with
by the way again with a man down for the
[ __ ] entire second half so you're
gonna tell me that of those three games
of the ones i just described you in fact
i shouldn't have told you the scores
right
that arsenal was a valiant effort in
defeat it sounds like liverpool redux
you know it's like well i mean i i think
the other thing is just
it's all narrative it's all context
right liverpool in the first in the
first the first three games of the
season arsenal get annihilated every
time they play a big six team they get
destroyed right city had put five on
them it was a it would the narrative was
a coming-of-age game
right hey we're here
i i it doesn't matter whether it's real
or not no no no it is you're absolutely
right it's very
unfortunately real but i just find it
annoying so no not even just amusing
from such a banter club that has the
balls to sit here and say hey you guys
beat city on on opening day right like
without harry kane put it in the trophy
case like suck my dick you're doing the
exact same [ __ ] thing so i don't want
to hear it from you [ __ ] worthless
lot because you like you know what 2-1
city win oh put it in the trophy case
douchebags it was great it was great to
get the goal late uh city didn't play
well they didn't deserve but we never
get the thing is city don't get this win
this is not the type of games we win we
we [ __ ] them up and lose and whatever
okay let's talk about injury time but
rodri but rodrigo into the arsenal end
and taking his shirt off and just [ __ ]
flying [ __ ] you oh
that's so not city it was so crazy it
was so it was so personal
yeah he was like so [ __ ] you
it was
dare i say
it it had hints of neil mopey
yes my god neil mopay did it did and so
we talked about injury time okay you're
right extra time for a second
rodri 93rd minute winner
right to beat arsenal meanwhile just
down the road
divinson sanchez in the 96th minute
saves tottenham's bacon while they were
away but i forget what it doesn't matter
um
and
now
spurs are two points behind arsenal with
two games in hand for fourth place so
how about you guys chew on that
top five world coach right with with
kante so so do me a favor gunners if
you've made it to this point in the show
which i'm so confident you haven't even
though i've sat on the fact that i
[ __ ] hate your existence to this
point
suck
my balls because there's two points
separating you and me and we can duff
both of these games and draw them and
we're still going to be ahead of you
we're still going to be let's just let's
just keep in mind right now in the xg
per 90 tottenham are now in the top four
yeah right at a half a goal per game
right absolutely so you're actually
on quality of performances sure in the
top four and and this goes back to what
we've said a handful of times over the
course of the first four months of the
season is that there's no such thing as
a fourth place team this year there's
only a bunch of seventh place teams and
unfortunately
or to put it more positively there's a
bunch of fourth places
that alleges that one of these teams
belongs in champions league and none of
them [ __ ] do okay yeah but you're as
good as a bad jerk but the thing is
i just i take i take umbridge with that
because yeah
into the champions league they will
spend the money to get a champions
leagueish squad oh how foolish you are
[Laughter]
oh
and speaking of champions league squads
we should we should talk about man
united who played today and got their
ass is kicked
that was the biggest ass kicking of a
one goal game
and from from a team that does not
attack that sucks that doesn't attack
and additionally can't finish right
we've talked about it all year are they
are the worst they're the opposite of
mopey they're the yeah they're the third
worst gold gold return so far this year
yes they are bad wow i didn't know that
yeah um second best defense as well
obviously which is why they are where
they are but why they where they are i
mean yes
we talked at length about how a domitra
or he couldn't hit water if he fell out
of a [ __ ] vote he came on he made he
caught he he caused the problem he
always causes problems he just doesn't
cause problems that end up with the
score being changed yeah i think that
jimenez thing for them is really bad
like he can't
i thought he was better today
he was taking shots but he was
i don't know he he feels like there is
but but but the the the thing was was
that the ragnarok thing's not working
there was no bruno fernandez
like united were
only-ish at at best yeah the other cool
part of this is like phil jones out of
the [ __ ] wilderness
comes back
after two years injured whatever broken
legs
takes harry maguire's place and it was
their best player
like he was all over it
he did a classic phil jones face on the
floor boot to the face thing with the
crazy face he does that ronaldo does
nothing
united are still
fluttering and flustering i'm
surprised frankly i thought that rang
nick would grab something out of this
team maybe he's not the right coach
maybe he only needs he needs to be at
under 23 teams maybe he's more of
a a a technocratic kind of guy and maybe
united need inspiration i don't know but
i will say and you know it and i know it
when they signed verand and cristiano
this was a top four we're gonna win the
league club and now
that team whatever the version of that
team there was is gone and it's not
gonna happen like it's lofts that
they're still disappeared i still think
they're
they of arsenal west ham spurs united
and you have to say wolves because they
just beat them um i think united are
comfortably the most likely to finish in
fourth out of that group i don't think
so anymore i did when i looked at the
schedule but now i don't think so yeah
that's kind of i mean
they've still got a game in hand on
arsenal and west ham so and basically
erase the the deficit that they have
their biggest competition is spurs which
that wasn't a joke right like i
genuinely think it's between spurs and
united for four at this point well
here's the thing like remember we were
talking about all those games right the
easy games that they had brentford
brighton now cancelled so they didn't
get those easy gimmies they drew against
newcastle that was supposed to be a
gimme yeah they did beat burnley fine
but now they have west ham
coming up
burnley
well southampton leads yeah they still
have this [ __ ] schedule still i mean
it's just like how do they not [ __ ]
get this done i'm not too concerned
about them they have dropped they have
left points on on the on the table and
by the way so is spurs recently um
yeah but that was that was that that
draw you guys got was that was a win you
got this i mean that was not oh it
wasn't a win because i bet on them to
win and they don't give you uh uh more
right but you had a whole half
with a man down like that was tough
that was tough
you know what you still need erickson i
hear he's available
yeah he is for free
um yeah except if he dies on the feet
he's after he dies and you have a bit of
an insurance mess on your hands um
yeah no i mean
i just oh god
i look
give me one uh one game for united i
forget exactly who they were can't like
cancel so they're two in the hole
they're only one on on their top four
rivals if you will and like i said one
less than spurs
uh as far as uh games enhanced i think
the question is is like i always focus
on that too much by the way are they no
yeah are they better than west ham as a
team yes no no i think they are as a
unit no [ __ ] chance
no way you know why
west ham do not have ronaldo they're
still in europe they don't have a
ronaldo
and they're and as a function of europe
they're gonna get and and with all the
games that they're gonna have to make up
in the back half of the year they are
gonna be taxed
a lot
united
is going to be able to weather that
storm way more comfortably
um and there's nothing that has shown
this season that that unit of 15 16
players
has in them to play as a unit and win
games without
de gea saving their ass and cristiano
maniacally trying to get goals for
himself this is what i'm talking about i
don't think it takes that much more to
finish ahead uh that much more than
literally that
[Laughter]
to finish ahead of spurs west ham and
arsenal i don't i genuinely don't we
have to i think we have to assume though
of
we have to assume
that
arteta
who i put in as coach of the year for
the first half sorry
it's fair
mine would have been that
that they will beat anyone beneath them
right all right
and that spurs are now
at a
a real top four like they're at
pochettino
bad poche like middle pochettino yeah
not a top ascendant
middle pochettino yeah the the the
80-point pochettino team sure yeah right
or maybe even the 78 teams right that's
gonna be if you get to 70 75 you're
gonna get 75 would be killer because i
think i think chelsea will finish on 75
like they're gonna slip
but if you get to 70 you're gonna get
that fourth place team
i mean
the thing that i still have reservations
about with spurs and you saw it two
games in a row now including one where
they didn't they didn't have equal
competition for a half an hour or a full
half things like that happen right the
non-finishing stuff
it's not even the non-finishing stuff
it's the uh let's play it out to the
right oh no let's play it out to the
left they're literally abandoning the
entire middle of the field because they
don't have a passenger they don't have
anyone they don't have a locksmith as
they say right they don't have anybody
isn't it who's got some patience
supposed to be la salso right yeah don't
even get me started with him no it's
vlogging
it's not supposed to be
right and so
the weird thing is that they
they
[Music]
look as much as we'll say they miss
erickson what they miss is musa dembele
because
musa dembele made that's five years ago
though dude yeah dude that's my [ __ ]
point
[Laughter]
no it was three years ago it was it was
it was january what about this
play
kane as the 10 just do it
just do it go by go by lukaku let him
let him or let him come back without a
joke about that
just play berguin's son and maura and
let kane play deep
yeah he's not he's not
yes he's a finisher but
he's the one
he's the one
he doesn't need to be in the box trying
to [ __ ] get his head on things and
all that yeah i know but the thing is
that his instinct is he's a he's a
tremendous pesser and i've said that a
million times on the show but his i
still want him being
if you think about like it's too low
is he challenging and not joking to be a
nine and a half not wow anything i think
he created it before ian actually did
but like but does he is is he really a
nine and a half no he doesn't want to be
he ha he he always has become one out of
out of necessity i'm making jokes you're
not going with me on it jesus oh god
damn it
would you we
we don't rehearse these bits you just
come at me with them and i'm like what
the [ __ ] are you talking about
jesus wow you're supposed to you're
supposed to get my callbacks that you
nacho it being a nine and a half
no i remember but it's yeah jesus christ
i'm sitting here going through my time
on ptsd and you're making dick jokes man
i just i'm not on it i'm not
they're good dick jokes
i know they're football dick jokes
that's why i know wears long shorts i
get it i know i know
i'm trying to bring in other teams to
the party i want all the fans involved
brighton and and mcallister
and the whole gang uh i'm ready for all
of it good but yeah you know i hear you
i hear you on spurs
and trying to get that creative player
and i think that's always going to be a
problem with kante because he needs to
it needs to come from the wing backs and
your wing backs are not good enough yeah
it's weird like i think regalon is the
right one but maybe not yet
so and emerson has never played wing
back he's 22 years old um he's doing a
fine job i think
um his crossing is a little shaky
i he's not okay but yeah he's not trent
alexander arnold or
yeah every [ __ ] time somebody buys a
fullback they're like
is he the best is he yeah he's crossing
pretty good yeah you know he'll have the
occasional assist oh my and they do one
thing in the first six weeks of their
tenure at the team they're like holy
[ __ ] this guy's unbelievable he's just
all right he's pretty good every
fullback including trends including
cancelo
is
a liability somewhere or they're gonna
have dips in form or what like
remember that um i don't know 18 month
period where trent alexander arnold
looked like he was one of the guys from
[ __ ] space jam that the monstars took
all their [ __ ] talent like he was
charles barkley in fact no forget space
jam he's just charles barkley playing
golf right like that's what he looked
like for a full year and a [ __ ] half
yeah and now he's back to world class
again can you get trippy back i think
he's available dude i mean he's going
he's going to new castle 25 really sure
some weird [ __ ] happened on the way out
there and i i always wanted to know more
about that
yeah he got in trouble what happened was
he got busted for
gambling and some some spanish rules and
they put them on the bench and then and
oh no no i didn't mean i didn't mean it
at atletico yeah but i remember that
when he left tottenham he he he said
some [ __ ] leaving going out the door but
by the way anti-semitic towards levy no
i wish like i wish more i wish it was
about levy
it was it was about how some he alluded
to pochettino and there was a sort of a
disconnect there and he was his guy
um he was the one who who played him
over kyle walker near the end and he's
the one that that basically kyle walker
threw a hissy fit in the last game at
white hart lane because he wouldn't play
him and he's like [ __ ] you i'm going to
sydney
um
but no i don't know what happened there
but it was also the that was calcified
pochettino so who the [ __ ] really knows
can i can i talk about can i talk about
west ham versus crystal palace because
that was a fun game it was loud there
was no gallagher uh made me sad but west
ham scored some freaking
badass goals uh lanzini with the
three-touch
boom into the top corner yeah why don't
spurs get him
because he's unless tim no not anymore
he's not he's had two three good games
in a row here yeah but you could get
four now's instead one of those [ __ ]
guys is available anyway you know west
ham isn't gonna give us a pot to piss in
i know i know but i i like that game
because um one chels uh uh crystal
palace were really dominant um there was
a
another one of these [ __ ] handballs
uh luca milivojevic is on his own
takes a couple touches at the edge of
the box it hits his hand they went to
var to review and be like oh hand ball
penalty i was like you know is this what
we want nobody wants this nobody wants
it
nobody wants it anyway that goes back to
our previous thing but a fun game in
west ham get back off on they're riding
the schneider they are schneiding it up
uh so they schneid they live another day
they're up 3-1 but it got a little bit
hairy for them i like crystal palace a
lot like even even without my guy
gallagher
they're good and i think
um vieira
was one of these guys where he's like is
he gonna be here three months and get
fired or is he gonna be there for three
years i think he's past the he's gonna
get fired in three months period so
he'll just be there for three years now
hanging out and there's a lot of there's
a lot of like
arsenal sharks floating in the water all
trying to like get that i feel like
there's like a secret
thing of like who's gonna get the city
job brewing that's going around and i i
i alluded to it i made a joke these
united fans that are like
you know some guy uh talked about
phil jones having
the united dna you know wanting to win
because he played so well i'm like you
mean
yeah exactly
but yeah he he showed the fight like
this this the ephemeral united way thing
that goes on that comes up and and some
city fans like will you stop with the
dna i'm like hey wait a minute
we're going to be talking about dna
after we [ __ ] poach [ __ ] grand
potter from everton after he wins the fa
cup and we're gonna be like lamenting
that cole palmer has the dna from pep
after he had two injury-riddled seasons
at blackburn like let's we're gonna do
it too so don't don't [ __ ] hammer on
people for dna we're going to be like
pep dna is going to be like our thing in
the 2025's 2030s like does he have the
pep dna oh my god
well we're like running through arteta
and grand potter gets fired and we're
like what's happening i'm like because
pep was [ __ ] amazing and we're going
to be talking about pep dna for [ __ ]
ever and i just know what's going to
happen and i'm afraid no that's fair
like you you got you have guys that are
like touch dna
you're you're living off it still you're
like sonny and and kane they still got
the punch dna
yeah
oh god nuno didn't have the patch dna he
gave you guys like identity in this
little like captured moment that now
becomes your identity for like the next
10 years until you get enough you talked
about it and i'll do it again real quick
but it was basically it was the ethos of
the club plus success
very rare this is the only thing that
matters it's all [ __ ] no no no no
but like that was the thing is that it
it wasn't right and it was like
um
avb and it was all these like managers
who by the way avb wasn't that bad of a
manager um
well
for what he had
i mean he had gareth bale though that
was fun but like he did do the bail
seven that was under his watch okay six
seven fair well yeah fair but i mean you
could argue that i mean okay no i'm not
going to uh don't talk to me about
[ __ ] paulinho
and [ __ ] nah i'm just going to talk
about it
coco how's he doing he's doing well he's
he's hurt again i'm pretty sure but uh
but you know
he was crushing it uh he had like five
goals in the first like three games he
would have got a red in that liverpool
game oh
he would have got a red
he would have got a red and if he played
i would have made a lot of money
[Laughter]
yeah that would have been [ __ ]
legendary yeah i love you know what
let's take a step i'm gonna take a step
back you know what's great about our
sort of football growth we're starting
to have weird history with guys and it's
starting to like have time i'm just like
wow i looked at something like i've
really i watched alvaro negredo play
10 years ago yeah yeah
so it's feeling good it's like i'm
starting to get like my don mattingly's
like that's right we've got our old
contextual value now right i'm like
right david silva is so good yeah yeah
all right hey let's let's keep it with a
a call back throwback if you will and
let's talk about how it's the first game
that you alluded to in the open that
gerard loses were you like hmm
right like they drop they drop a one-nil
lead they lose two one to brentford
and this is this is an inflection point
for the gerard i wanted to say like the
gerard presidency right because that's
how it feels in liverpool it is a little
bit like a presidency yeah right and so
you have a moment where i i spoke to
this when he took the job
when things start to wobble
like this is where his leadership will
shine through or it will sort of be
found out um and so this is if you're a
liverpool fan you should be watching
aston villa the next call it month
right yeah um
and i don't know
what they look their fixtures look like
i know they're not in the in the
whatchamacallit the carabao cup
this weekend we're gonna cover it on
thursday right they've got promised
to the fan help crew that will do a full
breakdown of the fa cup we're gonna
learn about weird teams scunthorpe uh
kitty minster i don't know if they're
right now i'm just using english town
names uh you're just going through tube
stops at this point um hey man brantford
just a bus stop in hounslow never by the
way
the best but not close and if and if
you're listening to the show this deep
please
let us know in our squeaky bum time
facebook group what your favorite
london tube stop station is and i
challenge you to do better than
[ __ ] fosters because that one is really
really good it's the last top on the
district line
fosters
every time oh my god i thought my wife
was going to leave me right in the
middle of london because i used to do
all that
no i'm like [ __ ]
bastards
every single
well yeah well i mean i have i have i
have particular places because i you
know i had my london time so it's like
turn them green acting green chiswick
park those are my stops boyle
hammersmith
oh i just meant ridiculous names but oh
yeah yeah well shepherd's bush is pretty
funny
shepherd's bush is right there up with
cockfosters that's good it's good so
do us a favor uh tell us your favorite
london tubes shepard or any city for
that matter but bonus points if it's in
anywhere in europe uh yeah i i yeah yeah
this there's tons but the villa thing i
thought was interesting about that game
was both buendia and
ings both had five shots so i don't know
if they're starting to
get that piece together because i think
if they can connect bendia and ings
they'll start scoring goals
there was no mings which was probably a
problem and you know what [ __ ]
brentford they will fight to the end and
they'll get a shitty [ __ ] set-piece
goal and when they're at home you're
just
not gonna get an easy win i mean even
city had a hard time there everyone goes
to brentford is like yeah this is gonna
be fine it's not gonna be fine it's
gonna be [ __ ] hard it's and they're
taking they're taking some skin off your
forehead they're almost like yeah
they're their new
um their new crystal palace they're new
and they're staying up dude they're
staying up they're on tour they're on 23
points with 19 games they remind me a
lot of like when palace first came up
what was that like five six years ago at
this point yeah and i was like oh this
place is f you could hear it through the
television this place is [ __ ] loud
and the style that they play at home
they're not afraid they're going to
punch you in the mouth they're going to
keep going very reminiscent of what
brenford's been doing this year so by
the way another moment of our age palace
have been up
since 1314. yeah why i say six seven
years ago close
they have been up since christian bowl
right the 3-3 the greatest game ever
watched at work in
history but no villa
villa play united twice in a row now uh
in the fa cup and then uh in the league
at home they go to old trafford in the
cup
uh
they already beat old they already be
there's no reason they won't beat them
again they won't but but what i'm saying
is they could lose but i'm saying like
they're
better
coached right now sure
and then everton which is sort of a
mixed bag they should i think they're
better than everton but again these are
not games and i and i think that there
are very few games where you look at you
know the the fixture list you go aston
villa will get three points that day
i don't feel that way about hardly any
teams except for like mine
right i sure should don't feel that way
about my team but but my point is is
that again i if i were a liverpool fan i
would be watching with a careful eye how
this response comes from this yeah these
are the moments right two losses on the
bounce one to chelsea hey it happens
uh they're you know they're a class team
and they they beat you up pretty good
but
on the
on the back of that losing a one-nil
lead to uh what's
what's called what is their promotion
side um a good one but still
and now you've got a bit of a gauntlet
so i really am curious to see how that's
how they respond the thing about villa
and this is really the difficult pieces
they have the second most losses in the
league now granted they have no draws
but 11 losses is a [ __ ] ton so they're
going for it but you know it is it's one
of those things it feels like that
tottenham season where you hardly had
any draws they have no drawings they're
basically the opposite
of my boys in brentford who are who have
nine draws uh uh brighton brighton
kicked [ __ ] everton's ass everton
finally got their guys back so we should
we'll we start we can now start judging
uh rafa benitez again dcl's back down
minute karat lewin alain was back
decora is back we can now start to judge
everton again now that they actually
have their team back together they just
never had enough depth i will i have a
player who i watch and always think how
is he in the premier league and it's
michael keane he's
[ __ ]
awful
that dude [ __ ] up more [ __ ] for everton
than any player i've ever seen how he
doesn't get dropped is beyond me he's
like the new martin di michellis like
he's trying to do [ __ ] and he can't do
it and he's always trying to do it over
and over again martin's
that's another one that's like wow yeah
old school
i'm throwing it in there yeah he's got a
he's got a
you know what remember we were talking
about uh liverpool games
that you that you haven't been able to
beat spurs i now remember vividly the
game you lost the ball goes over
lovren's head and he tries to edit and
it's a disaster and he falls over yeah
and i think kane pops on it and that and
they just kill lovren yeah they took him
over he's like yeah he's the worst
defender anyone's ever seen yeah stevie
nickel annihilated him so all the
memories are coming back to me oh yeah
they took him off on the 35th minute at
wembley it was hilarious 4-1 spurs that
day oh it's a good living
he did i don't want to talk about it he
uh we've got games tomorrow and so let's
go through them i mean southampton
brentford yeah we have oh wait i'm sorry
that's the 11th i'm an idiot no we have
we have two weeks off we have the fa cup
this weekend well
we don't have games tomorrow we have
games wednesday and i should know what's
wednesday because it is a london darby
in the semi-final of the carabao cup
which now is the most
it's the most important trophy there is
and you know
you know that if you've been listening
to the show for a while i am
full of [ __ ] um i have always hated the
efl cup i always found it to be an
impediment to success elsewhere for
spurs specifically
you know what put all that [ __ ] aside
let's go get a trophy let's go take it
from chelsea and arsenal to liverpool
it's too it's is it it's home it it's
back-to-back uh wednesday matches
um
first one this wednesday at stanford
bridge and then you have fa cup and then
you have another one yeah
yeah that sucks
um
is that what city's been doing all this
time we're [ __ ] kids why are we
stupid no wonder we play 65 games a year
well no one pepsi [ __ ] pep out what are
you doing lose these [ __ ] fa cup
games lose the carabao cup we could have
had two weeks off in the middle of the
season all this time what are we doing
champions of the cariboo cup get the
[ __ ] out of here
yeah tottenham's gauntlet is ironically
it's it's weird you got chelsea and then
more cambay
uh chelsea again it's morkum morkum what
an [ __ ] i am morkum
um and then arsenal
yeah that's it that's it for me on the
show um no but i mean it's weird because
i don't know you know i bet you lukaku
plays and scores now i bet that [ __ ]
happens he's not gonna play in that
[ __ ] game why not because they [ __ ]
him it's gonna be a disaster now why
wouldn't you run him out there or at
least like have him eventually because
an [ __ ] have you heard
this okay you missed me ranting about
how much bitching those two [ __ ]
germans did oh my god i know don't get
me started but like but this thing is
incredible
this is
this is uh an olive branch right
it's basically him saying yeah go prove
it right like it was it was mourinho
putting
you know
like dele ali on the you know the first
team for the europa league against who
gives a [ __ ] right like that's basically
what this is and so you basically have
to going
no
here you go here's your start here's
your like i said olive branch against
the tottenham side that is going to take
this game very seriously
but i don't know how seriously chelsea's
going to take i just want you to know
that you were playing a team in morkum
called
the shrimps
okay
so all right there's dick jokes
there's a lot there's a lot of uh they
have a shrimp on their [ __ ] crest oh
fantastic i'm a big fan of markham
and there's their name sounds like
more [ __ ]
it's a little ironic for the shrimp
thing but uh
nine and a half nine and a half didn't
even talk about neil mulpe guys i think
that's mr mcallister and his new goals
he scored two for brighton and he's got
his own set of wipes now i'm pretty sure
that is that's a new show record for
dick jokes i think we're at like 10 11.
nazis out dicks in dick's in
i'm doing it that was the squeaky bum
time podcast with mike slower and i went
around corteans we are the football wing
of the chop sports network we record on
tuesdays and fridays so be sure to
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